


Chaotic DW/TW love polygon/ rulebook the Ianto cult created from the flesh of the devil

by britishgaychild, Thatsharassmentsir



Category: Doctor Who (2005), Torchwood
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-06
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-18 16:47:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29246790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/britishgaychild/pseuds/britishgaychild, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thatsharassmentsir/pseuds/Thatsharassmentsir
Summary: Once upon a time, the Ianto Jones cult was very sleep deprived and we made up this mess. There is no way to explain it but it happened. This is a transcript from the convo and if Big Finish doesn't make this an audio I will tear the world apart with my bare hands.A strange, twisted love polygon/ chaotic rulebook.
Relationships: Anyone/Everyone, Everyone/Everyone
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4





	Chaotic DW/TW love polygon/ rulebook the Ianto cult created from the flesh of the devil

**Author's Note:**

> I am so sorry for anyone reading this, I really am. We all are

*Usernames are always not shown as some may not have given consent for them to be used, all parties know that this is being typed up and posted*

If this is too much 5 minutes through I will warn you, it gets worse, please leave through the nearest exit if you wish to keep your sanity, please do not read this. You have been warned...Each gap is a new person talking and each message is numbered to make it easier for replies. The main ship is probably Janto if you read it all but I really don't know. Warning: retcon may be required after reading, along with eye bleach and a therapist. 

The transcript starts below.

1\. Rhys develops a crush on Ianto no I will not elaborate.

2\. oh mY GOD

3\. Where did that come from I-  
4\. Actuallyy....

5\. It's mostly just a dreamy-platonic crush, maybe something similar is what Gwen feels to Jack and they (Gwen and Rhys) sitting on a couch and be like 'Why are they so hot and why are they taken'

6\. (In response to 1) I'm assuming they got creative after the barbecue if you don't elaborate.

7\. HAHA

8\. (In response to 6) not exactly  
9\. Rhys thinks Jack is a cocky bastard  
10\. but Ianto  
11\. Quieter  
12\. Cuter  
13\. Dry humour  
14\. Nice Welsh lad  
15\. How can you not fall for him? 

16\. Badass on the inside tho

17\. Oh heck yeah

18\. I-

19\. (in response to 15) That is true tho

20\. (In response to 9) This sounds like the beginning of a oneshot.

21\. ahahhaahhaa

22\. (in response to 9) someone write a poem with this as the title

23\. I just cant unsee like  
24\. So I imagine Rhys and Gwen are super in love with eachother on the level where you can just forget about jealousy and cheating (we can just forget about Owen okay?) and they literally be sitting on the couch with pizza and complaining about their lil crushes.

25\. (irt 22) you know how I love poetry  
26\. (irt 24) shut up this is canon

27\. Hahhahaa  
28\. Both of them at the same time:  
29\. 'Damn, why are he guys either taken, gay or both?'

30\. More like 'Why are the good looking ones always gay and taken'

31\. Gwen teasing Rhys on his little crush on Ianto  
32\. Rhys teasing Gwen on that time she kept getting tongue-tied at the pretty lady who instructed couples cooking class

33\. Rhys always talking about Jack as if he's the enemy

34\. Rhys liking Ianto purely because it means he can take everyone Jack likes for himself

35\. Hfkfhjgjg

36\. Rhys just wants more of Ianto's coffee

37\. Rhys tried bringing coffee for Ianto once  
38\. Seeing his reaction, he never brewed coffee again

39\. He smiled as he slowly spat it back into the cup

40\. Poured it out in a plant

41\. Gave it to owen

42\. Rhys saw and pretended he was fine  
43\. He cried when he got home, Gwen had to calm him down

44\. (irt41) After he spat some of the coffee back

45\. Yes

46\. Owen found out and spat it out everywhere

47\. Before he knew, he was enjoying the coffee

48\. He (Owen) had to clean it up afterwrds

49\. Yes

50\. Because Jack would never make his husband clean up such a mess.

51\. Jack wants to try out Rhys' coffee for himself

52\. And understands that he is lucky Ianto brews coffee for him

53\. He regrets it and tells Ianto that he'll never underestimate him again

54\. Gwen drinks almost the whole cup with a pokerface to cheer Rhys up

55\. Everyone else stands behind Rhys and gags

56\. (irt 54) Says it's lovely then gives it to Owen

57\. (irt 550 Gasps I'd say

58\. (irt 56) Behind Rhys' back

59\. Owen throws it into a radioactive container

or

60\. He leaves it on his desk and accidentally drinks it later, forgetting what it is

61\. He then has to clean it up again

62\. Yup

63\. Tosh finds the cup and pours him a proper drink

64\. (irt 62) And then puts on a protective suit and throws it away, sealed in a container that reads 'radioactive hazard'

65\. (irt 63) Owen does not drink it because he's afraid it's Rhys again

66\. Tosh is upset but doesn't show it

67\. Owen has PTSD but doesn't show it

68\. Gwen has poisoning but doesn't show it 

69\. Jack died from the poisoning later that night

70\. And it took him three days to come back

71\. He then had to brush his teeth for three hours to get rid of the taste

72\. Ianto gives Rhys free tuition on how to make hot beverages out of pity  
73\. It didn't work.

74\. Gwen agreed to take the bullets (coffee) for everyone in exchange for a vacation  
75\. Jack was ready to agree to three months  
76\. She only asked for a week

77\. (Meanwhile Ianto has an ego boost the entire time but doesn't show it)

78\. Tosh notices but doesn't point it out

79\. Owen does though  
80\. He's quickly reminded of that one time he forgot and drank the coffee so he stops the mockery

81\. This conversation has gotten really off track (oh honey you {I} don't know the least of it)

82\. I like it tho

83\. I'm not complaining

84\. (irt 80) Ianto proceeds to put extra milk in Owens coffee as revenge but it's so milky Owen suspects there's no coffee just milk

85\. Owen then asks him to make the coffee as dark as his soul and the next day he gets an empty cup

86\. This convo deserves to be in a museum  
87\. Or a big finish title

88\. So true

89\. Yes, I've been screenshotting it all so I never forget it

90\. (irt 85) or a brick

91\. Meanwhile on another planet: a 456 alien receives a small strange cup and takes a sip.

92\. The poor (evil) alien spontaneously combusts

93\. Alien dies so there is no invasion

94\. Every species learns about Rhys' coffe and aliens never go to earth again (the doctor is brave okay?)

95\. Gray accidentally drank the coffee which Rhys had left in the fridge and chokes to death  
96\. Tosh is alive

97\. CoE never happens and Owen learns what run means.

98\. John learns to sniff his coffee first

99\. They all get out of the building in fragments and it's all okay.  
100\. They go for pizza

101\. (irt 98) Bahahah

102\. (irt 98) But John does drugs and misinterprets this warning

103\. So Owen has to give him CPR  
104\. They make out afterwards

105\. (irt 104) John misinterprets that too

106\. Ahahahah

107\. Owen is sad his new boyfriend doesn't think they're boyfriends

108\. (irt 104) I was going to say actual cpr and not Jacks version but then you said that.  
109\. So it is Jack's version.

110\. Yeah, it's more effective that way

111\. Apparently so

112\. (irt 107) Tosh is sad but actually tries helping him so he can get the man 

113\. John started flirting with Tosh and Owen realised he is jealous of them both.  
114\. He realised he can feel human emotion.

115\. Tosh is happy at least someone showed any kind of attraction to her  
116\. Sad it’s not Owen tho

117\. (irt 104) Yes  
118\. Someone mentions Johwen and I come running

119\. This is a great love polygon

120\. I am once again thinking about the 'You sucked Napoleons dick?' conversation

121\. (irt 115) They all end up in a relationship

122\. Tosh, Owen, John love triangle

123\. (irt 121) A 'we can't put a tag on this' kind

124\. Someone make this a fic

125\. Ianto feels like a really proud dad  
126\. (irt 125) So does Rhys

127\. (irt 125) Jack feels like a proud daddy 

128\. Jack doesn't want to share his husband at first but then he thinks about it and thinks it's genius

129\. (irt 120) Oh God that lmao

130\. (irt 128) It's not like he really shares him tho, more like offers him as a crush for Rhys

131\. (irt 129) It lives rent free in my mind

132\. In mine too now

133\. (130) true

134\. What the BBC makes: Dark, realistic Torchwood stories  
135\. What the fans really want: the story of how Rhys' coffee started a polyamorous relationship that did not include him.

136\. Yes

137\. Yess

138\. He had a separate one for him, Jack and Ianto.

139\. And Gwen and Rhys being soulmates to the level where they can have other crushes just fine.

HERE IS WHERE THE CHAOS REALLY STARTS  
I DO NOT REGRET WHAT I SAID, THIS MESSAGE STARTED A BEAUTIFUL THING.

140\. (irt 138) But Jack gave him a rulebook with what he could and couldn't do inside  
141\. Rule 1: do.not.damage.the.suits

142\. Rule 2, yes, looky, no touchy

143\. Rule 3: If you make coffee you lose all access rights to Ianto

144\. The minute I come within 5 miles of Ianto, leave he's mine

145\. Rule 5: No measuring tapes

146\. Rule 6: Don't read his diary, there's no point, you're not in it, I on the other hand am

147\. Jack, Ianto, Gwen, Rhys polycule

148\. Rule 7: Always knock before entering the greenhouse

149\. John, Owen and Tosh ove triangle that forms into a polyamorous relationship

150\. Rule 8: When Ianto goes to bed, he brings Myfanwy with him. Do not be alarmed.

151\. Yes

152\. Rule 9: I did train her to eat you if your hands do something weird so probably do be alarmed

153\. Rule 10: Don't test me on that

154\. Rule 11: Don't test me at all

155\. Rule 12: I mean it Mr Williams...

156\. Rule 13: No more homoerotic stuff around Ianto. Ever. I mean it

157\. Rule 14: Don't look at him, I deserve him more than you.

158\. Rule 15: Fine, you can look at him, but looking is all you get

159\. Rule 16: That means I get to flirt with your wife

160\. Rule 17: (Written by Ianto) don't use the blue towels, they're just for pretty

161\. (irt 159) do not be alarmed

162\. Yesssssss

163\. Rule 18: Don't give this book to Ianto anymore  
164\. He hit me on the head with it

165\. Rule 19: Remember that when good thinking went around I tried to kill Ianto so I clearly love him more than you  
166\. Rule 20: Don't question my logic

167\. Rule 121: (written by Ianto) lol what logic?

168\. Rule 22: Rhys you failed rule 18, you're going to be punished now

169\. John misinterprets that

170\. Rule 23: Stop it Ianto or I'll leave you with Rhys' coffee for a week. And no stopwatch

171\. Rule 24 (Ianto) NO NOT THE STOPWATCH

172\. Rule 25: (Written by Tosh) why was this left on my desk this morning?

173\. Rule 26: Anyway, Rhys he does weevil hunting with me and me alone so don't get any ideas.

174\. Rule 27: (Written by Owen) *there's just a drawing of a dick here*

175\. Rule 28: (Ianto) oh Tosh I am so sorry

176\. Rule 69: (Owen)n heh get it cos funny number

177\. I don't know what convo I've walked into but I love it 

178\. Ahahahhaa

179\. Rule 29: (Ianto) Owen stop

180\. Rule 30: (back to Jack again) Yeah, Owen, shut it

181\. Rule 31: (Ianto) Wow we actually agree on something 

182\. Rule 32: (Gwen) Rhys I want a manual about me for Jack!

183\. Rule 33: (The Doctor) Why did I find this on an abandoned planet in 7560?

184\. Rule 34: (John) If it exists, porn with it exists

185\. Rule 35: Don't blink, blink and you're dead. They're fast, faster than you can believe. Don't turn your back and don't blink.

186\. Rule 36: Good luck

187\. Rule 37: (Martha) You all are fired

188\. PLJSHFFDS

189\. Rule 38: Rose Tyler...-oh wait wrong thing.

190\. Rule 39: (Master) Oh god I should definitely get rid of the human race after this

191\. Rule 40 (River) what is this

192\. Rule 41 (Myfanwy) *scribbles*

193\. Rule 42 (Norton) this is why I prefer the 50s

194\. (irt 177) Bro same XD

195\. Rule 43: (Norton) oh Jack and Ianto, coooeyy, can I join in

196\. Rule 44: (11) Aw look the numbers repeat

197\. (irt 194) You're witnessing history  
198\. Rule 45: (Ianto) no, you know why Folgate

199\. Rule 46 (Norton) But what about the stangling kink? uwu

200\. Rule 47 (Ianto) Tosh, do you still want to go to the opera with me?

201\. Rule 48: (Jack) I'm, the only one with access to ropes, handcuffs and belts AND Ianto at the same time

202\. Rule 49: (irt 200) (Owen) wait-  
203\. Rule 50: (Vanessa) hEllO booooys :))

204\. Rule 51: (Vanessa) ooooo u lovveeellllyyy boiis

205\. Rule 52: (Ianto) JACK WE KILLED HER  
206\. Rule 53:(Ianto) AGES AGO  
207\. Rule 54: (Rhys) This has gotten off track...Gwen, help me, I'm scared

208\. Rule 55: (Jack) PUT THE BOOK DOWN WE HAVE MOUTS TO COMMUNICATE

209\. Rule 56: (everyone) NEVER

210\. Rule 57: (Yvonne) I thought there was only one rule

211\. Rule 58: (Jack) ALL OF YOU STOP IT, NO MORE RULES! Ianto with me, it's time for your local knowledge

212\. Rule 59: *Inexplicable noises*

213\. Rule 60: Rhys remember the rule about the greenhouse

214\. Rule 61: (Gwen) so that's what you're calling it now...

215\. Rule 62: (Jack) it's none of your concern, and Ianto agrees

216: Rule 63: (Ianto) You took my stopwatch tho

217\. Rule 64: (Jack) Well....  
218\. Rule 65: (Jack) I could temporarily give it back

219\. Rule 66: (Jack) Shut up and stop smiling Gwen, go cry into a slice of pizza, I'm in dire need of local knowledge

220\. Rule 67: (Ianto) My tie is supposed to go around me neck, not my wrists...

221\. HAHAHHA

222\. Rule 68: (Martha) oh Jack, I got that hat for you

223\. Rule 70: because rule 69 was taken by the rat bastard

224\. Rule 71: (Owen) HEY........ you talking about me? 

225\. Rule 72: (Owen) I don't regret it at all

226\. Rule 73: No it's not  
227\. If we get to 100 I swear to god I'm making this journal

228\. Yes

229\. (irt 222) Rule 74: (Jack) YAY send it over ASAP

230\. Rule 75: (Norton) Y'all said something about strangling

231\. GAHHAAH

232\. Rule 76: (John) y'all said something about making out

233\. Rule 77: (Ianto) I TRUSTED YOU MARTHA JONES

234\. Rule 78: (Martha) Sorry Ianto, me and Jack got drunk one time

235: Rule 79: (Doctor) Holy mother of- REBUILT TORCHWOOD HUH JACK

236\. Rule 80: (Ianto) hmph

237\. Rule 81: (Doctor) Although I could've guessed that with you rebuilding it it would end up being a cathouse

238\. Rule 82: (Amy) Oh I like yall  
239\. Rule 82: (Rory) I don't 

240\. Rule 85: (Wilf) Aa! Her mind's gonna blow!  
241\. *takes cover*

242\. Rule 86: (Sylvia) WHAT

243\. Rule 87: (Owen) right, if anyone needs me, I'll be in the archives doing drugs  
244\. Rule 88: (Ianto) OH NO YOU WON'T

245\. Rule 89: (John) OH I AM SO GOING WITH THE DRUG GUY

246\. Rule 90: (Jack) how about erotic tension at the shooting range. Ianto with me.

246\. HAHAH

247\. Rule 91: (Ianto) Yes sir  
248\. Rule 92: (Jack) RHYS YOU ARE NOT INVITED GET LOST

249\. Rule 93 (Gwen) Get a room you two  
250\. Rule 94: (Jack) We were going to but if you want to watch-

251\. Rule 95: (irt 249) (Owen) finally something we agree on Gwen

252: Rule 96. (Rhys) If I'm not going my wife's not going either

253\. Rule 97 (Jack) killjoy

254\. Rule 98: (Ianto) so are we doing this or not Jack? 

255\. Rule 99: (Bob and Mary) don't mind if we do join in

256\. Rule 100: (The Ianto Jones Cult) And just like that they're all going to be happy and no one ever dies.

257\. THE END BITCHES


End file.
